What, then, is a farewell letter that a person leaves behind moments before committing suicide? If that is the case, what exactly is the farewell note that a person leaves behind moments before committing suicide? Formally, it deviates from the template example of a letter which is part of interpersonal communication. It does not adhere to a stylistic form, often has no addressee or date. And most importantly, such a letter does not assume a response. It is definitive. This changes the entire text a lot. At this point the question arises, why do so few people decide to leave one behind? Suicidological studies say that only 12% to 30% of suicidal people do so. Therefore, it is safe to say that the majority do not undertake to write down their last words. Those who do take up the challenge provide evidence that the bond tying them to the world and to other people is not ultimately severed for them. In their written communication, they use words as a way to strengthen their act; unheard – they cry out, although no one answers their cries.
We associate the activity of writing with something that is simple, colloquial, and accessible to everyone. After all, the daily notes we pin to the refrigerator with a magnet or short memos written at work are nothing extraordinary. Even without dealing with literary, poetic, journalistic or scientific writing, colloquial writing seems to us an everyday companion. But may we then infer that a written record created just before death also belongs to the mundane and colloquial? Given the natural quality of death, we should remember, keeping in mind Plato's Phaedo that suicide is not part of the natural order, and certainly not a part of regular everyday human existence. Which is why leaving behind a few sentences in this extremely difficult moment – when one feels overcome by the burden of responsibility and the finality of their words and in the midst of an emotional crisis that hinders clear thinking – can be quite a challenge, one that not everyone is able to undertake. The question becomes what to write and how to write it?
The spontaneity of the note left by those who commit suicide is evidenced by the material on which they are written down. A page from a calendar, a letterhead with the logo of the plumbing service or a piece of a receipt. Those who commit suicide often write on whatever they have on hand. Some of the letters, especially the longer ones, those spanning several pages, are written in the form of an internal monologue, in which the common denominator is an oft–repeated plea for forgiveness. Those who are suicidal plead with family, friends, and God to understand their will.
Most letters are pragmatic in nature. Bank account numbers, card PINs and internet account passwords are written down. However, even on the shortest letters, we encounter a repeated request for forgiveness. That is the most intimate statement, which by its very design is meant to be delivered to the recipient or recipients after the sender has already died. The letter becomes a last memento for loved ones, a memento that very often does not provide answers, but raises even more questions. That is because it is often the case that the family learns about the inner dilemmas of a loved one, of which no one was previously aware, from this last message. In the letters of those who decide to commit suicide one can notice a lack of attention to grammatical forms, punctuation, or spelling. Words seem to be poured onto paper in the form of a stream of consciousness, correctness is not important, only the message itself. Although the sentences left by the person committing suicide are their last memento, the composition does not matter much – what matters is the content. There are underlined words, repeated exclamation marks or symbolic drawings, such as a heart or a simplified smiley face. It can be said that this way of conveying emotions constitutes the most important message. The lack of attachment to form emphasizes their raw authenticity.
Edward Stachura, Ciechocinek, around 1970, photo: Collections of the Museum of Literature / East NewsIt is interesting to consider the way time is captured in the farewell letters. The present tense – the apology, the description of the emotional state, the current reasons why one and not another decision was made – is intertwined with the future tense – the request for forgiveness and the planning of the immediate future. These two dimensions of time are overlaid by a third dimension: the past, in which the reasons why the sender made a decision instead of another are buried.
We associate farewell letters with long beautiful statements full of emotions and reflections on life. Letters from famous cultural figures, such as poets (like Stachura or Jesienin) and musicians (like Kurt Cobain), in particular, have affected on the public imagination. It seems to us that there should be some truth in this final record, and certainly a strong message – ‘for the living’. Meanwhile, there is often not the slightest note of poetry in these letters, left in dark basements or dusty attics. What appears instead is pain, remorse, shame, pleas for forgiveness. People who write a ‘final monologue’ sometimes ask their loved ones to bury them according to specific instructions, at other times they describe exactly how their beloved dog should be taken care of and who should do it. Suicidal people think very strongly about everyday life, about the practicalities of the life they leave behind. It is not uncommon for the bulk of the letter to be taken up by financial settlements, requests to pay off debt or settle the ownership of an apartment. Sometimes it is a detailed description of the actions to be taken by loved ones, other times a few words with ‘sorry’ at the centre.
The suicidal person is closely accompanied by an eternal and unrelenting sense of shame. They are ashamed not only of their act, but above all of the fact that they have failed to live up to social and family expectations. They know that death under such circumstances will bring great pain to loved ones, but they can no longer cling on to a life that has become an unbearable burden. In the accounts of suicide attempt survivors, there is often a theme of low self–esteem and the impression that loved ones will be better off without the person, both the former and the latter impression being related to the pre–suicidal syndrome that occurs before the act itself.
Erwin Ringel, photo: Imagno/Getty ImagesThis pre–suicidal syndrome is studied by Erwin Ringel – the mental state of those who plan to take their own life. It consists of several types of cognitive narrowing: situational narrowing, dynamic narrowing, the narrowing of the world of values and interpersonal relationships. To top it all off, there is a disinhibition of aggression and ideation about methods of taking one's own life. Ringel examined over seven hundred people, in whom he noticed the same symptoms. The research of this Austrian psychiatrist proved that the suicidal person’s perception of the world and of their own self is distorted because of the crisis they are experiencing. That is why the false belief popularized in society that suicidal people are egotistical is so hurtful. For it is quite the opposite – from their perspective they think that they are bringing relief to their family, because finally someone so worthless and hopeless will no longer bother them.
In every culture, death is surrounded by ritual. The words of a dying person impose an attitude of attention, respect, and obedience on the recipient. Wills and last wills are forms that give causality to the sentences spoken by a dying person. The cultural approach to the word in the context of death shows how much meaning it has not only socially, but also symbolically, when uttered in the final moments before death. A suicide letter combines in itself both respect for the words of a dying person and the extraordinary curiosity of the recipient, aroused by the desire to learn more about the motives guiding the person who takes their own life. How suicide notes are portrayed in culture is therefore significantly related to how suicide is spoken about. Both the superficiality of the suicidal person, as well as their decision–making process and the realm of emotions, are subject to cultural narration. Their letters are treated as a source that makes it possible to uncover the shroud of mystery and peek into the ‘unusual’ soul of the person committing suicide. Through the gravity of death, which gives extraordinary power to the words of the dying person, the suicide letter becomes a unique text, stimulating the human imagination and immersed in the realm of fantasy, myth, and imagination.
This specific form of the farewell letter invites us to consider how we make our peace with the world, and at the same time, how the world makes its peace with us. Epitaphs, obituaries, newspaper columns – these are the written forms of farewells. Are the letters of people who commit suicide similar to the texts written by those who remain and linger in mourning? In the farewells printed in the press, loved ones say goodbye to the deceased, emphasize their attachment to him or her and express their pain. Suicidal people very often write similarly as the living saying goodbye to the dead – they say goodbye to those they leave behind, express their emotions and the pain they feel, and almost always emphasize the feelings connecting them to their family and loved ones. The person writing the letter usually begins with the words – ‘forgive me’, ‘please understand’, ‘come to terms with my decision’. They often repeat the same phrases many times, as if they were trying to emphasize their value, to imbue them with special power. The plea for forgiveness is a kind of explanation, but also a cleansing. Those who have made a final decision express in their letters their desire not only to say goodbye, but above all to be forgiven or accepted for their act.
In most farewell letters, you will notice that the word ‘sorry’ forms a certain bracket. It appears at the beginning and at the end of the letter and is interspersed with the words ‘forgive me’. This suggests two possible reasons for the text being structured in this way. First, the writer wants to emphasize how important the people to whom he directs his farewell are to him. He feels guilty and realizes the pain his decision will cause. Therefore, he repeats the apology. The appearance of the apology at the beginning and at the end may also indicate that the writer is designing the reading of his letter – so he arranges it in a way that will best represent his emotions and emphasize what is most important in their message.
But why is the apology so important – is the sender apologizing for not fulfilling a specific duty, not keeping a promise, or perhaps disappointing loved ones with his decision? It should be recalled at this point that a person who decides to commit suicide is aware of the stigma with which they leave their family. However, this is not only a scar resulting from the violent loss of a family member, but also primarily a social and cultural stigma. In some countries, the family of the deceased was also punished for suicide. For centuries, the Christian Church condemned those who committed suicide, burying them outside the cemetery walls and thus imposing the odium of infamy on their loved ones. Nowadays, the Church's approach to the burial of a person who has taken his or her own life has changed and is no longer as restrictive; it even implies a certain amount of understanding and emphasizes the need to pray for those who have taken their own lives.
However, this does not change the fact that a suicide in the family is an event that loved ones try not to talk about, something to keep quiet about and forget as quickly as possible, although the last part is impossible for most people. Death by suicide is also often concealed for fear of being socially ostracised. Sometimes distant family members only learn about it years later. It is also difficult to discuss the subject with young children. Questions arise as to whether to tell children about the cause of death of a loved one, or whether it is better to omit sensitive details? Suicide is an uncomfortable and even embarrassing issue.
Meanwhile, mourning the death of a loved one as a result of suicide is categorized by psychologists as a traumatic experience. In addition to a huge sense of guilt, it also leaves behind endless questions and doubts. Why did it happen? Was it something I did or had done? What kind of parent/husband/sister am I for allowing such a terrible thing to happen? Death by suicide quite often causes the need to re–evaluate the world anew in loved ones. The pain becomes a fuse that stimulates the search for meaning in each new day. Parents who lose a child in such circumstances sometimes say: ‘I died that day, too’. They find it hard to believe that they could go on living after such a tragedy. Activities carried out in support of those who have lost someone to suicide are called postvention in suicidology. And it is one of the most difficult topics that make up the complex issue of suicidal behavior prevention.
Jean Baechler, photo: Louis Monier / Bridgeman Image/ForumJean Améry, in his book On Suicide – A Discourse on Voluntary Death, echoing the words of French sociologist Jean Baechler, highlights the plight of the suicidal person and their loved ones in both culture and society:
'The state of civilization', he [Baechler] writes, 'as far as the attitude towards suicide is concerned, is far from granting it positive values. Voluntary death is rejected as unworthy, neighbors are almost always distrustful even of the suicidal person's immediate milieu. Certainly, institutional attitudes on the part of the Church and the state have changed, the external stigmatization of disgrace is being abandoned. Public opinion, however, is not yet at that stage, and the old interdict, undoubtedly originating from the Christian tradition remains alive'.
Thus, in his last message, the suicidal person also apologizes for the expected social ostracism and moral distress that will forever be a part of his loved ones’ lives.
Jean Améry, 'On Suicide – A Discourse on Voluntary Death', 1999, photo: Indiana University PressDante placed suicides in one of the last circles of hell. It is there that people who had taken their own lives were turned into thorn bushes. Great birds sit on them and break their branches, from which blood flows. Suicidal people suffer eternal torment and pain in solitude. The question is whether Dante wasn't pointing out how suicidal people suffer so much here on earth before they take their own lives, with this metaphor. Often the unsuspecting milieu hurts, repels and injures those thinking of taking their own lives. And so, in solitude, in the darkness of their suffering, almost always by chance or through ignorance, suicidal people are further crippled by others, and are pushed into the abyss of death by others – invariably through neglect, oblivion and rejection. They are given mercy by Father Zosima, who in The Brothers Karamazov mentions in his last conversation with his friends that he has always prayed for suicides. This is because he knows that suicide is related to the lack of love or the inability to feel it. And he to whom love has not been given, will have a harder time coming before the face of God.
The letter that a suicidal person leaves behind is a text on which culture, as well as society, have imposed a layer of stereotypes, myths, and images. A narrative has been built around the suicidal person and their act, based on messaging provided over the years by the press, by cinema, by literature and, more recently, by the Internet. This narrative is based on the suicides of literary and cinematic heroes, as well as characters from the front pages of newspapers and other media reports. The letters that made their way into public circulation were, from the beginning, statements intended to reach a wider audience. These records have little in common with the letters of people who take their own lives every day, without the glare of flashlights, limelights and media hype.
The daily words, full of pain and exhaustion, are not a poetic record of the last moments. Instead, they are a testimony to the inhumane situation in which a person is confronted with the decision to take his own life. Brunon Hołyst, a pioneer of suicidological research in Poland, puts forward a strong thesis that a person does not commit suicide because they want to die – but rather because they are incapable of staying alive. It is about this impotence that the unheard, the tired, the abandoned, those who have lost all hope that their lives will ever gain meaning or change for the better write and ‘cry out’.
Originally written in Polish by Halszka Witkowska
Translated from Polish by Michał Niedzielski