How to Talk to Be Liked
Wondering how to make your conversations sparkle and get people to like you? Culture.pl has just the thing: 11 valuable tips from the delightful 1901 Polish book ‘Conversation & How to Have One: The Only Effective Guide For Those Who Want to Be Liked.’
Front page of the book ‘Conversation & How to Have One: The Only Effective Guide For Those Who Want to Be Liked’, photo: Biblioteka Narodowa / Polona.pl Humans are social creatures and being accepted by others is, whether we like to admit it or not, very important to our well-being. Having satisfactory, meaningful relationships is high on the list of things beneficial to health, alongside a balanced diet and working out. One of the primary means of establishing and maintaining a relationship between two people is certainly conversation.
But we humans are complex emotional beings and sometimes it’s very easy to put each other off by saying the most seemingly innocuous thing. Even if you have the best intentions, talking can get off track as you unconsciously rub somebody the wrong way with your conversation style.
Fortunately for all, help is at hand from a charming little book from Bolesław Londyński called Rozmowa i Sposób Jej Prowadzenia: Jedyny Skuteczny Poradnik dla Chcących się Podobać (Conversation & How to Have One: The Only Effective Guide For Those Who Want to Be Liked), written in 1901 under the pseudonym Mieczysław Rościszewski.
Londyński was a Polish poet, writer and translator who lived from 1855 to 1928. He’s best remembered for his 1888 crime novel Rycerze Czarnego Dworu: Romans Warszawski (Knights of the Black Court: A Warsaw Romance) and creating the first Polish translation of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment in 1887. Under the pseudonym Mieczysław Rościszewski, he authored numerous guides on subjects such as savoir-vivre and family life. In the course of his extensive guide-writing career Londyński researched and described a great variety of topics, accumulating a wealth of knowledge about life.
Throughout it all, he was no doubt making sure he was talking in a way that was rather likeable. So here are 11 quotes from his Conversation & How to Have One, bringing you some of the most valuable advice in the book.
The paths of mind and soul
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Flirting by the Carpet-Beating Frame by Bogdan Dziworski, 1966, Łódź, photo: courtesy of 6x7 Leica Gallery Warsaw
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A good conversation opens up all the paths of mind and soul.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
There’s hardly a better way to get in touch with another human being than by conversation. A flowing conversation can really let you understand another person and let them understand you. Since talking can lead to a deep connection, it creates a great opportunity to gain appreciation of another person on the deeper levels Londyński describes.
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A skilful conversation is perhaps the most important factor, by means of which one gains human appreciation.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
Understanding how impactful a conversation may be, can help you realise that your words influence your social situation. Awareness of this can make you really try to mind what you’re saying and help you become a more conscious talker.
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The ability to listen is as important as the ability to talk; it speaks of a reasonable, well-behaved person. If you want to be listened to, listen to others – or at least pretend that you’re listening.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
If you want to talk, first learn to listen. After all, listening turns talking into a dialogue rather than merely two interchanging monologues. Don’t confuse it with waiting for your turn to say something. Listening means you should actually focus on what the other person is saying and react accordingly. It’s a sign of respect, and offering this sort of respect makes your conversation partner want to give you the same in return.
On a somewhat humorous note, Londyński does add that at the very least you should pretend you’re listening. Even if duplicitous, at least it’s an attempt at courtesy and consideration.
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Leopold Tyrmand having a chat at a café, 1959, photo: Andrzej Wiernicki / Forum
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Read magazines, learn about what is currently of popular interest, and try to come up with your own view on a given issue. Read new books, familiarise yourselves with trending authors, music, etc. and you’ll never be short of a topic for a salon conversation.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
When you do speak yourself, it’s probably worth actually having something to say. It does boil down to an exchange of information between two people, so it’s worth feeding your mind to make it a more pleasant one. Londyński points to current affairs but also to being knowledgeable about culture – books, music and so on.
As it so happens, dear reader, a great source of information about culture, one that will give you plenty of things to talk about, is most certainly Culture.pl… Worth adding to your bookmarks just for your conversation skills alone.
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People who like to socialise should master the art of speaking about nothing. Many a learned and educated person is seen as boring just because they don’t practice this art. It seems it was Johnson who said that ‘a person who doesn’t possess the ability to talk about trifles is like a rich man, who doesn’t have any change and therefore can’t pay for some trivial expense.’
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
Although this quote may seem as contradictory to the last one, it’s actually complimentary. It’s great to be able to talk about different things, but it’s also important to be able to talk about nothing or, as it’s more commonly known, engage in small talk. Small talk may seem trivial but it can play an important role as a vehicle for emotional exchange. Having a relaxed chat about nothing in particular is a way of subconsciously communicating to your interlocutor that you feel comfortable and at ease around them. If you constantly bombard your conversation partners with factual knowledge, you may come about as inconsiderate or emotionally boring.
As to the mysterious Johnson quoted by Londyński, it’s hard to establish exactly who he was. We suspect it may well be Samuel Johnson, so here’s a bonus quote from him that fits with Londyński’s theorising: ‘The happiest conversation is that of which nothing is distinctly remembered but a general effect of pleasing impression.’
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The Hybrydy club in Warsaw, 1976, photo: Zbyszko Siemaszko / Forum
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You can speak well, justly and enthusiastically, but at the same time you have to speak appropriately; very often we don’t do that at all; describing, for example, a fabulous celebration we once experienced to people who can only accommodate us with daily bread […]
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
This quote basically points to a key human skill – empathy. When you’re talking with someone it’s best to take into account the emotions and situation of that person. That way you’ll reduce the chances of hurting their feelings and saying something that will put them off – or worse, of boring them stiff.
Know what you’re implying
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If somebody exhibits a talent that isn’t expected of them, do not act surprised. Doing that would be the same as saying: ‘Is that possible? Such a mediocre figure with such a talent! I would’ve never suspected that.’
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
Here Londyński touches once more on empathy, but from a slightly different angle. Be conscious not only of the direct sense of your words, but also of what they imply between the lines. Understanding implications gives you greater control over your messaging and can veer you away from saying something potentially off-putting.
That being said, perhaps the example given by Londyński is a little outdated – being a little surprised by somebody’s unexpected talent shouldn’t do any harm if they’re not a close friend you know intimately. Nevertheless, implying that you’d absolutely never expect someone to excel in a particular field may be patronising and hurtful, especially if they are feeling a little insecure.
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A dance party at the Hybrydy club in Warsaw, photo: Ireneusz Radkiewicz / PAP
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At big congregations where the guests don’t know each other all that well, never criticise the outfits or looks of those present, nor make fun of people, because it may easily happen that the person you’re talking to is a close relative or friend of the person you’re talking about. […] Such misunderstandings are known to have led to duels.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
The last thing anybody wants is to end up in a duel. Admittedly, this sort of deadly outcome is a touch outdated, but duels did still occur back in Londyński’s day at the turn of the 20th century.
Regardless, the passage at hand remains practical today: don’t make fun of people, especially when you’re talking to somebody you barely know. It might easily end with unwanted social controversy and you looking red-faced at the very least.
Compliments yes, flattery no
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Regarding compliments, they should never be combined with the appalling vice that is flattery. […] Compliments ought to be simple and natural, exaggeration and affectation take away their entire value.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
The opposite of making fun of somebody is clearly complimenting them. But expressing your appreciation for another has to be done right so that it doesn’t cross the line into flattery. Flattery is excessive and sounds insincere, which ‘takes away the entire value’ of the praise. Londyński says the way to go is to deliver compliments naturally, without any special affectation. Excessive flattery could even be interpreted as sarcasm, that most dastardly form of wit commonly called its lowest.
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Passengers beneath an umbrella on a bus with a leaking roof, 1969, photo: Mirosław Iringh / PAP
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When you’re telling something funny, don’t laugh, don’t even smile yourself, maintain a serious face and the effect will be guaranteed. True comicality lies in the ability to control oneself.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
There’s nothing like telling a good joke to lighten the mood and get appreciation. If you want to up your comedy game, try maintaining a poker face while saying something funny. This strategy is often employed by stand-up comedians who can say the most ridiculous things with serious faces. The contrast between the funny message and the straight face creates an additional, non-verbal layer of humour.
However, this can often be hard, and if you do start smiling or even laughing while telling a joke, don’t worry too much. After all, when you smile, the world smiles with you!
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If you want to be liked, talk in a simple manner, but say nice things. Nobody likes an unpleasant person.
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From ‘Conversation & How to Have One’, trans. MK
Lastly, we have a very simple but powerful piece of advice: if you want your interlocutor to like you, be nice to them! If you say nice things to somebody, you have a much greater chance of them being nice back to you, than when you speak in an unpleasant manner. Like they say, you reap what you sow.
In conclusion, we hope that reading the nice things in this article has made you like us… If you’re looking for even more conversation pointers, check out our article How to Talk about Polish Books You Haven’t Read.
Author: Marek Kępa, May 20
